For the Long Haul

Good Monday afternoon! How was your weekend? Mine was a little interesting. Sunday, April 1, I "celebrated" my first cancerversary. According to spell check, that's not a word; but it's my special day all the same.

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I want to start writing about my journey with cancer. It won't be every post, but on occasion, I want to share what I'm learning -- technicalities and human aspects. Unfortunately, every time I start, I create something that I wouldn't want to read. That's frustrating.

I don't want to make people sad. I want to educate and inspire. Getting the words started, seems to be a tricky thing to do.

Maybe I'm just out of practice with writing overall? Possibly.

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No matter, I wanted to write personally today. I wanted to write about being healthy AND fighting cancer at the same time. I'm sure it can be done; but I often have a hard time MAKING myself try. Just because one undergoes chemotherapy does NOT mean they can't make smart food choices and be active. In fact, it's one of the first things that was reinforced during my orientation a year ago.

*The toxins will dehydrate you -- drink LOTS of water.
*Eat a healthy breakfast before you start each cycle of chemo -- it helps keep your strength and (as I learned) it may be the last time you actually feel like eating for a few days.
*Fruits, veggies, lean proteins will be best for you -- they are premium fuel for your body. Think about how you feel, perfectly healthy, when your blood sugar drops, or the caffiene runs out. Also, some cancers and chemotherapies create a diabetic situation for the person.

All of this makes perfect sense; and yet I find myself in moments of eating out of some warped sense of entitlement. "I'm fighting cancer; that sucks. Ergo, I deserve these three cookies and a can of Coke.... Pie is the breakfast of champions.... Taco Bell is good for the soul."

Compound that with tastebuds being out of whack for a few days. Your favorite foods might not taste right; but the strong sugary and salty flavors ring true.

Compound THAT with emotional eating; because I'm still a Mom and seeing a play room covered in toys grates a nerve..... That's French for, "I just had a handful of Goldfish crackers, a chocolate chip cookie and a few sips of Coke about ten minutes ago."

Dagnabit, hornswaggle!

I can work on that. It will have to be the first, and most important, issue to tackle. It's a matter of setting an example for my son.

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And I see where I've hit a wild tangent. How exactly does my title apply to all this mess?

I'm in the process of accepting that I may very well be working da chemo for the rest of my life. I was "okay" with it once, but then I got hopeful and optimistic. I need to let my feet touch reality again. If I'm going to be Releasing the Craken for the next fifty years, I can't keep eating the way I have (on and off) for the last year. I need to understand that this is a big part of my life now. I need to commit to the healthiest me possible. I need to get my butt back in gear.

It's my life.

How do I really want to live it?

How do I really want to feel?