It's almost a crying shame. Almost, but since there's too much to be happy about right now, I'll save the tears for another day.
Today, I am officially (by my standards, anyhow) fifty pounds less than I was JUST before the year began. I am one or two pounds shy of being able to say, "Hello, 180's! Where have you been?" Obviously, they took an extended vacation... and so did I. The last time I was 189.x lbs, I had been given the nod by my doctor that I was in fact pregnant with my son over four years ago. I tried to maintain that in the first trimester, knowing that it wasn't necessary to "eat for two" just yet. Morning sickness helped a bit, but the power of carbs to soothe a queasy tummy was stronger than my will power, and then I was a happy carbo camper from then on!... And, since I'm not trying to talk about ALL the weight I gained, I'll get back on my mental track.
Since I did have weight to lose (eventually) I started losing it. Fifty pounds is none-too-shabby. Soon, I'll celebrate by going out and getting a new pair of jeans; one size smaller. I'll even declare that new size to the world, once I've bought them (because I've already prepped the scrap page for my weight loss album)! Yes, I did. It's beautiful, too; just like I feel right now.
Until I go shopping, I've let my mind wander. When was the last time I was *this size*?... It had to be while I was pregnant...Which is why I have NO clothes to slip into until I do go shopping. It's also why I'm perplexed because I was *this size* wearing a specific pair of happy khaki's in my first trimester, but I could swear they are one size smaller still. So, what in hey-diddle-diddle did my body DO while I was pregnant?! If I could weigh this much and fit into smaller clothes...
Did my hips expand? (I know they do that)
Was I more muscle then? (I practically lived at the gym before learning I was pregnant)
.... Both are possible, aren't they? Both are also messing me up! What I haven't said yet, is that I used to be a walking clock. One could set their watches AND historical time lines by my body's actions and sizes. I was always predictable and perfectly mapped out. Now.... Well, in ways life is good and I choose to seek joy and sanity in those ways. However, in ways life is also one magnificent mess and I don't know if I'll ever figure out which way I'm supposed to stand again... much like I can't figure out exactly what size I'm supposed to be, simply by reading a scale. Everything that I just flat out KNEW is being called to question and I can't stand and say that it's all perfectly correct.
So, now, a lot like the clock near the front door, I'm kinda broken and in need of a little help. I don't know exactly where I'll find that help, but I've got a few starters in mind. I've also got a memory of a time when I finally just threw my hands in the air and said, "I give. I don't know it all. Help me to learn more while I take it all one step at a time."
Maybe a few of those first steps should be the most simple... Like out the door and to the mall to find a properly fitting pair of jeans, huh?