Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Why not be the beginning of it all?

Good Tuesday Morning!  It's an early one at that.  Once again, I awoke around 4 AM, my brain just ready to go.  Of course, once I've gotten this bit of writing out of my system, I'll likely be tired again; craving my bed; praying my son will let me sleep for an hour before I participate in his day.

I awoke because of another dream that had something to do with my long-defunct teaching career.  For the first time in a dream, I said "goodbye" to it.  Or, rather, I finally tried saying "goodbye" to a former colleague; couldn't find her in the (apparently) ginormous high-school-reunion crowd; thought "screw it, I'm gone," and made the most graceful run for the glass doors to head home.

Yeah, I have issues.

I have a lot of issues.  I'm voluminous with them all; and I have no segue into the rest of my rambling.

Awesome, right?

Actually, I might.  There is a bit of awesome in my life right now.  Okay, there are LOTS of awesome bits in my life, but this one is a corner bit.  It took me two weeks to absorb all the information and fully appreciate it.  Vaguely speaking, I'm almost "there."

"There" would refer to the end of this battle with cancer.  So far, it has lasted fifteen months (of treatment, never mind the growing process!). I've had several months of chemotherapy.  In the winter, I underwent surgery to remove the main tumor.  In the Spring, I experienced radiation, to ensure nothing else grew in my lap.  Now, I'm in something I consider to be the final phase.  There's more chemotherapy, with a different cocktail.  It should be finished within the next six months.  This will be followed by a step-down to a lighter chemo cocktail, more scans, more discussion, less nausea.

The time frame is long, but I still consider myself "almost done" with this.  It's small and huge at the same time.

Small:  I'm still doing chemo; and through the remainder of the year at that.  Likely, it will continue into next year. Essentially, nothing new is happening in my life.

HUGE:  I AM getting my life back.  I can start reviewing my resume; evaluating part time jobs; getting back into the kitchen and cooking for my family; establishing an exercise routine; contemplating the long-term loss of four pounds (then the vanity ten), blogging, creating nearly everyday....

I have a feeling it would be most wise to take baby steps all the way around.  This morning, I'll make a hot breakfast for my son; either oatmeal or French toast for myself.  (P.S, he woke up to the sound of all this clacking.  yay.)  I'll gather ingredients for an awesome dinner salad tonight (because I'm truly craving one). I'll refill the humidifier (thank you, Avastin for bloody noses! I didn't actually miss those!) get the frigging laundry in the frigging wash; play with zee boy and settle my brain on Project 365.

A couple-ish weeks ago, I decided that I missed documenting "the everyday," but have no desire to make 24 scrapbook albums about it.  However, I can grab the camera and fill a P365 album with it all. This is part of what kept me awake at 4 AM; having this proof that "my life" was coming back to me; having this proof that I can move on.  With a decided theme of "365 Days NOT Owned by Cancer," I couldn't decide when Day 1 would be.  When do I officially declare my independence?  On what amazing day do I reclaim myself?

And why do I still think I've got a million days promised to me so I can just pick and choose like that?

So, why not start yesterday?  Why not make Monday, (I LOVE Mondays) July 23, 2012 the beginning of "it all?"

Why not start with this face?

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