Thursday, August 25, 2011

So this is the land of the living!

Hello! Hi! Howareya?

I am...preeeeetttyy dang dong good right now. It occurred to me, while I was fussy cutting a bajillion little images from the new DCWV Fall stack, that I hadn't shared much of anything on my blog in a while. Then, it occurred to me that I was kinda okay with that. I've had so much I want to say, but moving in several different directions. I just couldn't do it! I couldn't sit down and focus to blog.


So.... I think I can do it now.

First up, THANK YOU!!!!!! I really do appreciate that people continue to take the time to read what I post, even when they are now so few and far between. When I read that someone has me in their prayers, it gives me a little more energy and desire to tackle whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing in that moment. You lift me up, and I really appreciate it. Thank you!

Since I'm kind of dancing around "that subject," I've had more good news with the cancer. The number that determines "how much" I have continues to drop. Right now, it's 1.2, which is super cool BUT I've also been informed that we're getting to the point where the sensitivity and calibration of the machines making these numbers is having to split hairs...and then split them again...and again... The number itself might waver up and down at this point BUT as long as it stays below 2 (or 2.5, I can't recall), we're good. Personally, I want that bugger at negative 64, but I get what they're saying. ALSO, even better, the last scan showed that everything is still shrinking. Some are now even the size of pin heads. Zis is good, yah! So, woohoo, I'm still getting better.

Now, the flip side of being sooooo close to being done is that I've realized something. Actually, I've realized a few things.

*For the past few months, I'd kinda sorta stopped living. It was in shades and shadows that I wouldn't recognize until now. The biggest one coming at me now is being a girl... or woman. Feminine and embracing all that I loved about being feminine before.

In April, I started chemo with an orientation class where I was informed of side effects to expect. That was all good and well, but I process all of it as -- I may never drink a luke warm or cold beverage again. I may always feel cold and/or pain from touching cold things. I may never go to another movie (which my husband and I LOVE to do often) because there will never be an acceptable drink; the air conditioning will always torment me; the dark/bright contrast of lighting and screen and the boom of the speakers may be too much for me. My husband and I may never "date" again. I may never leave the house again.

In May or June, I started reacting horribly to Pepcid, which started a chain reaction to metal. No more jewelry! That led to no more make up (just in case) and even no more skin care. Yeah... two or three months of no face washing. Awesome, huh? And if I'm not going to adorn myself, or take care of me, why should I wear anything cute either?....Can you feel the Debbie Downer?

In this month, I kinda had enough. I've had enough of being Debbie Downer. I've had enough of not liking what I see in the mirror. I've had enough of not fighting me for the sake of me. I've also had enough of my chemo routine, but I will soldier through that for another 12 weeks because I've realized something else.

*Fuck it all, if I ain't still alive!

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