Why Momma Needs Her Coffee

Good Tuesday Morning!  I started my day THUPER DEE DUPER early; like 2:30 AM early.  I'm having my twelfth or thirteenth scan today.  I'm thuper dee duper thpecial, so I also get extra steps in the preparation process. I am telling you, at this rate, I need a punch card or something.  I should get the next one free!


I digress, this wasn't my focus this morning.  Nor were the teleporting ants that are trying to take over my living spaces.  Seriously, I was JUST staring at that hugs blank wall and nothing was there.  HOW did an ant show up smack in the middle of it?!  If I stop blogging again, assume that those lil buggers carted me off to the looney bin for good.

Smell the flower (inhale)
Blow out the candle (exhale)
Repeat until the heebie jeebies stop.











Hi!  Howareya?  Welcome to my world!  Anyone care to talk about the Tooth Fairy?  Maybe pet rocks with their very own "robot" bodies?  Pet rocks might be a good idea.  The Tooth Fairy is still letting her story unfold.  These rocks, however, are living the dream, compared to the rocks I kept as a kid.  Seriously!  Check it!

So, yes.  The Boy still thinks there is a treasure map hiding somewhere within this rock.  Still, it needed a face.  Actually, it needed two faces.  It's an emotionally complex creature, as you can see.

And the robot suit!  I LOVE this suit.  He spent an hour carefully crafting it....after we tried to use oversized pipe cleaners with pitiful results.  This, however, he thought about and made completely independent of the DH and I.

Then, things got interesting.  Rocky needed a friend.  Meet Raquelle..  Her robot suit is in progress because I can't focus for longer than twenty minutes when building with Lego.  She might get hair before she gets a body.  Still, she and Rocky are getting along quite nicely.  I look forward to learning about (or participating in) their adventures for weeks (or months) to come.

As for my own adventures, I've got a couple of scrappy pages in progress right now.  One is a submission for Scrap the Boys.  The other has been inspired by the most recent sketch by Creative Scrappers.  With paper, I'm a happy camper.  Otherwise, I'm now officially tired and looking forward to a post-scan nap.

Friday Finds

Okay, this video is just going to have to be the start of my Friday Finds revival.  It has nothing to do with crafting, but it has brought me joy all week long. To help you understand why I love the octopus so much, you've got to know that I refer to my weekly chemotherapy treatments as "releasing the kraken. " I have also been known to say "getting Kracky wit it, " like the song,  "Gettin Jiggy Wit It."  Anyway, I like to pretend that the chemo drugs are like the giant monster (that I picture as a giant octopus) destroying the Good Ship Cancer Pop. So I have grown to love the real creatures. Watch. Learn. Laugh. Love.

Why not be the beginning of it all?

Good Tuesday Morning!  It's an early one at that.  Once again, I awoke around 4 AM, my brain just ready to go.  Of course, once I've gotten this bit of writing out of my system, I'll likely be tired again; craving my bed; praying my son will let me sleep for an hour before I participate in his day.

I awoke because of another dream that had something to do with my long-defunct teaching career.  For the first time in a dream, I said "goodbye" to it.  Or, rather, I finally tried saying "goodbye" to a former colleague; couldn't find her in the (apparently) ginormous high-school-reunion crowd; thought "screw it, I'm gone," and made the most graceful run for the glass doors to head home.

Yeah, I have issues.

I have a lot of issues.  I'm voluminous with them all; and I have no segue into the rest of my rambling.

Awesome, right?

Actually, I might.  There is a bit of awesome in my life right now.  Okay, there are LOTS of awesome bits in my life, but this one is a corner bit.  It took me two weeks to absorb all the information and fully appreciate it.  Vaguely speaking, I'm almost "there."

"There" would refer to the end of this battle with cancer.  So far, it has lasted fifteen months (of treatment, never mind the growing process!). I've had several months of chemotherapy.  In the winter, I underwent surgery to remove the main tumor.  In the Spring, I experienced radiation, to ensure nothing else grew in my lap.  Now, I'm in something I consider to be the final phase.  There's more chemotherapy, with a different cocktail.  It should be finished within the next six months.  This will be followed by a step-down to a lighter chemo cocktail, more scans, more discussion, less nausea.

The time frame is long, but I still consider myself "almost done" with this.  It's small and huge at the same time.

Small:  I'm still doing chemo; and through the remainder of the year at that.  Likely, it will continue into next year. Essentially, nothing new is happening in my life.

HUGE:  I AM getting my life back.  I can start reviewing my resume; evaluating part time jobs; getting back into the kitchen and cooking for my family; establishing an exercise routine; contemplating the long-term loss of four pounds (then the vanity ten), blogging, creating nearly everyday....

I have a feeling it would be most wise to take baby steps all the way around.  This morning, I'll make a hot breakfast for my son; either oatmeal or French toast for myself.  (P.S, he woke up to the sound of all this clacking.  yay.)  I'll gather ingredients for an awesome dinner salad tonight (because I'm truly craving one). I'll refill the humidifier (thank you, Avastin for bloody noses! I didn't actually miss those!) get the frigging laundry in the frigging wash; play with zee boy and settle my brain on Project 365.

A couple-ish weeks ago, I decided that I missed documenting "the everyday," but have no desire to make 24 scrapbook albums about it.  However, I can grab the camera and fill a P365 album with it all. This is part of what kept me awake at 4 AM; having this proof that "my life" was coming back to me; having this proof that I can move on.  With a decided theme of "365 Days NOT Owned by Cancer," I couldn't decide when Day 1 would be.  When do I officially declare my independence?  On what amazing day do I reclaim myself?

And why do I still think I've got a million days promised to me so I can just pick and choose like that?

So, why not start yesterday?  Why not make Monday, (I LOVE Mondays) July 23, 2012 the beginning of "it all?"

Why not start with this face?

Up and Down the Rabbit Hole

Hello! Hi! Howareya?

Okay, it's been many moons since I've made a post.  Wanna know how I can tell?  Yes, besides checking the date of my last post.... This here new Blogger setup has my eyes wanting to screw up and around.  I can rub my forehead and ask "WHY?!" or I can get over it.

I really did mean it when I last wrote of how badly I wanted to get back to blogging in general.  I'm just trying to figure out HOW to incorporate it into my everyday life.  It seems I've figured it out a bit today.  We can all thank this site and this site.

Why can we thank Scrapbook.com?  They hosted a kick-keester National Scrapbook Day on May 5th.  I was blessed by a good husband and loving MIL (who nabbed m'boy at the first syllable) so that I could participate in the day's activities.  And, I won a VERY awesome package.  It arrived on my doorstep this past Monday:

If you're a lover of crafty goodness, you probably know exactly how awesome this quick pic is.  In the bottom left is an art journal.  I was geeked because, two night prior to touching all this delight, I went down a rabbit hole of artsy/inky/painty/stencily wonder.  I decided I wanted to try this concept of art journaling.  I'm thinking that book was a sign that surely, I must!

And so I have!

This is one of the blank calendar pages in the album.  Initially, I used it to fill in important doctor's appointments, m'boy's school events, etc.  Then, the month progressed, but my cancer treatments did not.

For anyone who is just joining this blog in progress, here's the breakdown:

April 1, 2011, I learned I had stage four cancer.  Donkey balls, I know.
April 8, 2011, I had a plan of attack -- turned out to be about eight months of wicked chemo.
February 24, 2012, I got a brand new purty scar (named her Irene), as they removed the main tumor.
April 23, 2012, I returned to battle the remaining cancer with recommended radiation and chemo.

See that cute lil playing card with the seven?  That's how many treatments of radiation I've received so far.  I'm supposed to have 28.  Had the door never broken for two days; a flood not have wiped out the roads; and my whites and platelets stayed up, I would have received treatment number...seventeen today. 

*sigh*  I feel frustrated; but my doctor's don't.  That's what this page is mostly about.  With the prompt from A Year in the Life an Art Journal; I am trying to remember to bloom where I am planted.  I may have hit a brick wall in my progress.  I may have been told A LOT lately to Regressa, Ud. Manana (Come Back Tomorrow).  Damnit all if I'm not trying to bloom.  Monday, I helped my mother plant flowers around the house -- though not the ones on the page -- pretty salmon geraniums and impatients that glimmer in the sun.  Since then, I've been trying my hand at art.

And now, it is time to get m'boy from school and see what adventures he'd like to take on today.

As always, if you did, thanks for reading.

How will you bloom today?

For the Long Haul

Good Monday afternoon! How was your weekend? Mine was a little interesting. Sunday, April 1, I "celebrated" my first cancerversary. According to spell check, that's not a word; but it's my special day all the same.

.....

I want to start writing about my journey with cancer. It won't be every post, but on occasion, I want to share what I'm learning -- technicalities and human aspects. Unfortunately, every time I start, I create something that I wouldn't want to read. That's frustrating.

I don't want to make people sad. I want to educate and inspire. Getting the words started, seems to be a tricky thing to do.

Maybe I'm just out of practice with writing overall? Possibly.

.....

No matter, I wanted to write personally today. I wanted to write about being healthy AND fighting cancer at the same time. I'm sure it can be done; but I often have a hard time MAKING myself try. Just because one undergoes chemotherapy does NOT mean they can't make smart food choices and be active. In fact, it's one of the first things that was reinforced during my orientation a year ago.

*The toxins will dehydrate you -- drink LOTS of water.
*Eat a healthy breakfast before you start each cycle of chemo -- it helps keep your strength and (as I learned) it may be the last time you actually feel like eating for a few days.
*Fruits, veggies, lean proteins will be best for you -- they are premium fuel for your body. Think about how you feel, perfectly healthy, when your blood sugar drops, or the caffiene runs out. Also, some cancers and chemotherapies create a diabetic situation for the person.

All of this makes perfect sense; and yet I find myself in moments of eating out of some warped sense of entitlement. "I'm fighting cancer; that sucks. Ergo, I deserve these three cookies and a can of Coke.... Pie is the breakfast of champions.... Taco Bell is good for the soul."

Compound that with tastebuds being out of whack for a few days. Your favorite foods might not taste right; but the strong sugary and salty flavors ring true.

Compound THAT with emotional eating; because I'm still a Mom and seeing a play room covered in toys grates a nerve..... That's French for, "I just had a handful of Goldfish crackers, a chocolate chip cookie and a few sips of Coke about ten minutes ago."

Dagnabit, hornswaggle!

I can work on that. It will have to be the first, and most important, issue to tackle. It's a matter of setting an example for my son.

......

And I see where I've hit a wild tangent. How exactly does my title apply to all this mess?

I'm in the process of accepting that I may very well be working da chemo for the rest of my life. I was "okay" with it once, but then I got hopeful and optimistic. I need to let my feet touch reality again. If I'm going to be Releasing the Craken for the next fifty years, I can't keep eating the way I have (on and off) for the last year. I need to understand that this is a big part of my life now. I need to commit to the healthiest me possible. I need to get my butt back in gear.

It's my life.

How do I really want to live it?

How do I really want to feel?

Every Monday Is A New Beginning

Good Monday Morning! Yep, I'm still obnoxiously grateful to have another Monday morning on this rock. I know, a lot of people hate Mondays. It's hard to get back into the routine after a relaxing weekend. Those who work outside of the home have to return to jobs that they might not necessarily enjoy; going from a place of love and laughter to frustration and maybe fear. Yeah, I get that. If I could hug them, I would. All the same, I love Mondays.

One of the reasons I love Monday so much leads to a bit of a confession. Ready?

Cancer or not -- surgery or not -- I'm vain. I can't lie about it. I might forget to leave the home wearing Molly (or at least a hat) sometimes. I might forget most mornings to figure out correct makeup application. I might wear the same clothes a couple days in a row. Regardless, I'm still vain.

And that wasn't even the confession!

Because of vanity, I do try to eat and act as healthfully as possible. I also kinda sorta try to shed a set number of pounds that I relocated on my cancer journey.

See, early readers may (or may not) remember that, just before finding out I had cancer, I had gotten my keester back in gear to lose a ton of weight -- about eighty pounds. I was successful at losing that weight. In the month prior to my diagnosis I was REALLY good at losing that weight -- about three to six pounds a week -- but I later learned, that's because of the cancer. Consequently, I lost too much weight.

I wanted to maintain around 160 lbs -- my happy place, size Medium, etc. Yeah, I dropped down to the 140's even during the first couple/few rounds of chemo. Not being able to eat will do that t'ya. On me, 140 looks bad. It feels weird when you sit on the floor, too. Even my skinny jeans had room to move.

I decided that this was an opportunity to eat whatever I could, whenever I could. Medical professionals and The DH pretty much agreed with me. In retrospect, Pop Tarts, cookies, cakes, pies and my Mom's awesome cooking were probably not my best choice. They were tasty, but not my best choice. Either way, as the months ticked on, all those choices helped me regain the fifteen-ish pounds I didn't want to lose....and then, eventually, ten extra that I didn't want back.

Tada!

So, I talked to my oncologist. Mostly, I wanted to get back to eating healthfully; but I knew that I would need my happy little crutch -- Weight Watchers. I even brought it up at three different appointments to be sure that he was okay with it. He was; so I rejoined.

Now, ask me. Have I lost those unwanted ten pounds? No. I still want to. I've gotten better at eating healthfully, but using the Points Plus number to know when I'm "done" eating has been a challenge. In part, I think it's because I'm still trying to make the mental transition from processed crappy carbs to the better choices. Mentally, I still feel like I've earned the right to a giant chocolate muffin half way through the week. It's faulty thinking, and I'm working on it.

So, what does all this rambling have to do with Mondays and new beginnings?

Monday is my day to "weigh in." It's my day to restart; recommit. It's when I dust myself off and try again. Monday is my day to remind myself that all things are possible when I want them badly enough. Right now, there are a few things I want badly enough.

If you read all of this, thank you for taking the time. Here are the magic beans that will give you back your time.

Do you have a "reboot" day?
Do you believe it's possible to try again? Or do you decide, once you're down you'll always be out?

So this is the land of the living!

Hello! Hi! Howareya?

I am...preeeeetttyy dang dong good right now. It occurred to me, while I was fussy cutting a bajillion little images from the new DCWV Fall stack, that I hadn't shared much of anything on my blog in a while. Then, it occurred to me that I was kinda okay with that. I've had so much I want to say, but moving in several different directions. I just couldn't do it! I couldn't sit down and focus to blog.

Ack!

So.... I think I can do it now.

First up, THANK YOU!!!!!! I really do appreciate that people continue to take the time to read what I post, even when they are now so few and far between. When I read that someone has me in their prayers, it gives me a little more energy and desire to tackle whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing in that moment. You lift me up, and I really appreciate it. Thank you!

Since I'm kind of dancing around "that subject," I've had more good news with the cancer. The number that determines "how much" I have continues to drop. Right now, it's 1.2, which is super cool BUT I've also been informed that we're getting to the point where the sensitivity and calibration of the machines making these numbers is having to split hairs...and then split them again...and again... The number itself might waver up and down at this point BUT as long as it stays below 2 (or 2.5, I can't recall), we're good. Personally, I want that bugger at negative 64, but I get what they're saying. ALSO, even better, the last scan showed that everything is still shrinking. Some are now even the size of pin heads. Zis is good, yah! So, woohoo, I'm still getting better.

Now, the flip side of being sooooo close to being done is that I've realized something. Actually, I've realized a few things.

*For the past few months, I'd kinda sorta stopped living. It was in shades and shadows that I wouldn't recognize until now. The biggest one coming at me now is being a girl... or woman. Feminine and embracing all that I loved about being feminine before.

In April, I started chemo with an orientation class where I was informed of side effects to expect. That was all good and well, but I process all of it as -- I may never drink a luke warm or cold beverage again. I may always feel cold and/or pain from touching cold things. I may never go to another movie (which my husband and I LOVE to do often) because there will never be an acceptable drink; the air conditioning will always torment me; the dark/bright contrast of lighting and screen and the boom of the speakers may be too much for me. My husband and I may never "date" again. I may never leave the house again.

In May or June, I started reacting horribly to Pepcid, which started a chain reaction to metal. No more jewelry! That led to no more make up (just in case) and even no more skin care. Yeah... two or three months of no face washing. Awesome, huh? And if I'm not going to adorn myself, or take care of me, why should I wear anything cute either?....Can you feel the Debbie Downer?

In this month, I kinda had enough. I've had enough of being Debbie Downer. I've had enough of not liking what I see in the mirror. I've had enough of not fighting me for the sake of me. I've also had enough of my chemo routine, but I will soldier through that for another 12 weeks because I've realized something else.

*Fuck it all, if I ain't still alive!